Well I am sitting in our disastrously messy "office". I was supposed to be cleaning, but you know, the computer is in here and it sucked me in.
Daniel somehow got horribly sick. I mean awful. I've never ever seen him so sick. We don't know if he has food poisoning or a bug. Of course I am horribly paranoid that we took some sort of germ to the hospital yesterday (you can type yesterday all with your left hand!). I think I'm becoming a germaphobe. I bought three bottles of hand sanitizer this morning for our house. I bought clorox disinfecting wipes. If you know me, you know this is soooo not me. I'm all about the vinegar and baking soda. What has happened? Sigh. And my poor, poor hands. They are so dry from over washing them. They hurt, they're speckled with red dots. They're cracking. But I just can't stand the thought of getting sick because then I can't see Ezekiel. I am already not going to the hospital today, and I probably won't go tomorrow because we just can't risk him getting sick.
Meanwhile, he is doing well. He is 5.5lbs! He is eating two bottles a day (he won't always take the whole bottle), and we are working on breastfeeding. He is OFF the vapotherm!!! Now he is on a nasal canula which just gives him a little oxygen. We *think* he will be home really soon. It's hard to say, though... we will see what happens. Man I am FULL of typos today. I have to keep backspacing and fixing things.
Ummm seriously my hands hurt.
Sooo I have to tell you about my CRAPPY gyn appointment on Friday. Grr. All I wanted to go for was to get my thyroid levels tested. But the doctor never asked me if I had any questions or anything, she just routinely performed her exam, and when I said I was concerned about my weight loss (as in lack of), she just started into this whole memorized schpeel about eating whole grains and lean meats and lots of veggies and no junk food and drink lots of water. Yes, lady, I already know. Thank you for not listening to me at all and for being completely unhelpful and patronizing at the same time.
But this was the worst part: Before the exam, when I was waiting in the lobby, I had to fill out some paper work. Well, there was a 10 question questionnaire about post partum depression. I made the mistake of filling it out honestly, because all the doctor and the nurse could focus on was my high score on this test. While the nurse was asking me all the preliminary questions before the doctor came, she said, "after your exam we are going to have someone walk you up to behavioral health". Excuse me??! What in the world is this crap?! Of course I immediately became very anxious, thinking, "oh crap (or should I say shymkent?), they think I'm crazy!". I told this lovely lady (currently resisting name-calling urges) that I was not willing to do that, and that I believe I am perfectly fine considering the circumstances we've been in the last 3 months. She saw I was upset and didn't push the issue much more. Then the doctor comes in and all she could focus on was the stupid quiz, too. I mean, don't they realize that they probably need a different quiz for NICU moms then for full-term, healthy baby moms? HELLO!!!! GRR. Of COURSE I cry a lot and I feel depressed and I've lost my appetite. I think that is NORMAL behavior right now. I explained this. Then when they took my blood pressure, it was, of course, high. I always get nervous going to the doctor anyway, and then to have some lovely nurse tell me they're ready to admit me to the loony bin, I freaked out and was anxious... so yes, of course my blood pressure was high. But they wanted me to come back for the next 5 days to have it tested. I said no, that I thought that was ridiculous, and that the only reason my blood pressure was high was because they were making me uncomfortable. Finally the doctor backed off. "Well, you're the captain of your own ship," she said. Lovely. Thanks for finally recognizing me as an individual. If only you could make it so far as to recognize my intelligence and ability to think and care for myself, then we would be cool. It's ok, your behavior is excusable since you have an M.D. and must be more intelligent than me.
Enough of that. In other news, I seriously want to hire people to come clean my house. When I look around at the messy-ness I get totally overwhelmed and want to either leave the house or cry. I've been cleaning more, but I haven't gotten to the deep cleaning which is what really needs done before Ezekiel comes home. Downstairs is all right, upstairs is seriously an absolute disaster. There are maybe 20 articles of clothing hanging up in the closet (all the stuff that doesn't fit).... the rest are all on the closet floor (or bedroom floor, bathroom floor, laundry room floor). We have soooo many random papers that somehow make it into random piles around the house, but never make it into the filing cabinet. We have books coming out of our ears. Why, God, why am I not one of those naturally organized and tidy people? Why am I not that way? I want to be soo soooo bad. If I could change anything about myself, it would be my lack of discipline. Because that has to be what this is all about.... if i was more disciplined, I would keep my house cleaner. I would always pay all the bills on time. My husband would always have clean socks and underwear. I could find my favorite lipstick that I lost oh-so-many months ago. FORTUNATELY discipline IS something I can change about myself. So I just have to remember that I'm working on it and doing a little bit better on most days. Ok that's my pep talk for myself. Thanks for listening.
And of course, the tragedy of Obama. Ever-so depressing.